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Here is another zany comical news desk sketch I wrote for UK satire TV back in 1977...
This is one about Princess Anne's former husband Captain Mark
Phillips (Princess Anne is the UK Queen's equestrian look-a-like
daughter)....
And now for some more news on the royal family....
Today Princess Anne's brainless and intellectually challenged
husband was caught up to no good on another criminal escapade..... this
time he was arrested by police in Gloucester for stealing a combine
harvester from a nearby farm near their home in Gatecombe Park,
Gloucester.
Police had a very hard job in effecting this latest Royal arrest as
Captain Mark Phillips drove the stolen combine harvester farm vehicle
down the busy high street in Gloucester where he first of all mowed
down 100 police road cones, 6 fruit barrows belonging to local fruit
merchants, 7 garden fences belonging to High Street dwellers, 19 ladies
in plastic mackintosh coats who were out walking in the rain en route
through the village to a local church hall, 12 policemen trying to blow
whistles to alert him to desist from his criminally damaging escapade,
4 shop fronts including that of the local "Woolworths" department
store, 5 dogs belonging to local residents, a blind man on a white cane
trying to cross the road, 3 men on zimmer walking frames on the zebra
crossing, 30 litter bins and a set of traffic lights near the Oxfam
Charity shop.
Police were only able to apprehend Captain mark Phillips after the
stolen combine harvester finished up embedded in the Dr Barnado's
charity shop front and a local residents pair of false teeth who was
outside the Dr Barnado's shop when the combine Harvester hit.
Angry police dragged Captain mark Phillips out of the stolen combine
harvester and into an awaiting police van, which took him away to the
local police station.
Later in Gloucester magistrates court, it was decided that Captain Mark
Phillips was without any doubt severely intellectually challenged and
mentally retarded as he told the court that he was "fed up trying to
mow the lawns of Gatecombe Park with a small Hover Mower, and so he
thought he would steal the Combine Harvester to do the job faster"!
Magistrates said that since he didn't appear to know the difference
between a combine harvester and a lawn mower that he must be must be
severely intellectually challenged and was in desperately need of some
shock treatment, and so they remanded him to Brampton Psychiatric
Hospital for some indefinite shock treatment and the occupation of a
padded cell for at least 30 years.
Captain Mark Phillips has had his dole money suspended until further
notice to pay for the damages and a fine of £10million for the criminal
damage caused by his escapade.
And now for the weather news....
Tonight there will be THICK freezing fog over the cell in Brampton
Psychiatric Hospital in which Captain Mark Phillips is being detained,
but the rest of the country will have a mild warm night.
Tomorrow it will snow and rain over the cell in Brampton Psychiatric
Hospital in which Captain mark Phillips is being detained, but the rest
of the country will have fabulously warm sunshine and the highest of
summer temperatures!
That is all for tonight.
Goodnight! Written By Kaz Stevens
Copyright Kaz Stevens 1977. |
